I started dating again, kind of. It happened and as time went on, I realized that one of the guys just wasn't for me. He was super nice and sweet, almost everything I wanted. Almost. His love for music and movies weren't the same as mine. His attitude towards life wasn't that positive. Sigh. When it all came down to it, I knew I wasn't going to 'settle' for just anyone.
The second one I started dated has been along on this crazy ride of mine since last summer. He was patient and kind, never pushy. We finally started going out together more and more. He even introduced me to his people. I was flattered. That's kind of a big deal. Well, just when I thought things were going well, he decided to drink and drive. I didn't approve and expressed my concerns and I was upset. That was the end of that. Ha ha ha ! He made the choice for me and it was easy. I don't want that in my life. I've always been in a relationship where there was some sort of addiction. Whether it was illegal substances, alcohol or prescription medication, it's always been there. Not again.
My self realization is that I truly need to love myself more than anyone else. I need to find who I am and what I truly want. If I can't do that, I will always be unhappy and miserable with whoever I am with at the time. I want true love and a future I can count on and create. All of my past relationships are just stepping stones to something greater. Whether I'm alone forever or find that perfect someone, my happiness is key!
I love hard and want to be loved just as much.
gLiMpSe Of WhO I am....
- Steph Shaps
- I have seen and been through the depths of hell, yet, I am still here. I stand stronger than I ever have and continue to push myself to become better than I was yesterday.. I am a mom to an amazing little boy. He's the light of my life. Every chance I get with him, I am blessed.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Monday, July 24, 2017
July 23, 2017
It's been two years since I last posted anything. What the f*** am I doing with my life?! Ha ha ha ha!! A question easily asked by many, I'm sure. Well, let's rewind to October 2015.
I let him move in with me. This person whom I've built up in my mind to be so awesome and wonderful! He treated me like... well.. he treated me great, at first. My best friend. That's who he was. We shared stories of people we dated and lived cohesively. We had many nights of fun and laughter. All brought to you by alcohol. Oh dear alcohol. How I loved thee. Sigh. Fun. That's what it was, fun. He brought laughter and silliness into my life. I trusted him, telling him all my secrets and letting all of my walls down. That's when it started. Comments about my weight, my eating habits, my friends, my family (especially my mom), telling me how to raise my son and the list goes on and on.
December 7, 2015. I checked myself into UNI (University Neuropsychiatric Institute), the mental hospital. I wanted to take me life. I didn't have any reason to live. My self worth and love weren't existent anymore. I had finally hit rock bottom and I was finished. I had always felt like I was never good enough for him. Never skinny enough, active enough, motivated enough, etc. I wanted to die. Fall asleep and never wake up. I spent eight days in the psych ward learning about ways to deal with everyday life and stressors. It wasn't easy, at first. As the days passed, I made friends and felt somewhat normal. These people knew exactly what I was feeling. The despair and hopelessness wasn't completely in my head.. I had some traumatic life experiences that lead me to where I was. Number one, feelings of unworthiness. He didn't come and see me while I was there and I'll never forget that.
Well, time passed and regular therapy sessions were mandatory. I felt like a robot. I went, spoke about work, home and my son. I finally broke down and opened up a lot. It still wasn't everything. I was hiding behind a mask of fear. I feared losing this person in my life that I'd grown so intimate with. This man that knew more about me than any other person I knew. I was completely in love with him. I wanted nothing more than to be his everything. I tried so hard to be perfect in his eyes. I'd listen to the degrading comments and take the verbal punches.
I had stopped drinking as much as I was and started going to bed earlier on the weekends. He hated this. He wanted me to stay up all hours of the night, drinking and talking about life. It was fun in the beginning. I loved doing it. I hated how much I wasted my days away sleeping all day and feeling like shit. I was tired of doing that. I wanted to get out more. He started making promises of doing things and it was always 50/50 chance he'd follow through. More often than not, he'd bail or come up with some shit excuse.
After months of adjusting to this so-called 'new me', I started to isolate from everyone. My friends, family and work. During this period, my paternal grandparents had died. It was insanely difficult. I can honestly say that I just moved along Day to day, wandering around like a zombie. So, one night of drinking, I asked I could sleep in his bed. We had company and they were in my bed. He said it was ok. I ended my night of drinking and went and laid down on his bed. I woke up to him slapping, punching and kicking me. He said I was snoring and was 'trying' to wake me up. As I started to move off the bed, he kicked me so hard I fell on the floor against a small, plastic chest of drawers. My arm was bleeding and I was stunned. Felt like I was in a movie where they focus on that moment of impact and it's in slow motion. That was me. I remember fighting back. I was so angry and shocked!
I finally went outside and smoked at least half a pack. Our house guest has woken up and came outside to see what was going on. He was furious! He wanted to call the cops. I had friends I had texted telling them and showing them pictures of what happened. They all advised me to call the cops, too. I didn't. I let it slide. I didn't want his career to be ruined. I felt I was looking out for his best interest. The next day came, he apologized and I accepted, forgiving him. He was so apologetic.
He started treating me slightly better.. then, it happened again. No physical abuse, but he was slightly intoxicated while we were at Snowbird for Octoberfest. He said something to me as we were sitting on the grass listening to music. I don't recall what it was, but it was mean enough for me to get up and walk away from him. He decided to start laying into me. He was loud and slightly yelling. At me. I walked briskly, to get away from him. I was crying by now. He wouldn't stop.
Yelling matches went on for months and months. Always when he was drinking. The degradation continued. By this time, I was just a hollow shell of a person. I let him say whatever he wanted. It was a cycle. Things would be great, he'd drinking, get mad, tell me I was crazy(because I had a mental breakdown) and then he'd apologize. Over and over and over again...
We officially started dating in December, right before Christmas. It was so great! He was preparing to leave for South Korea. It was hard for me. I had been with this human for almost 2 years and we did everything together. We loved the same music, movies, sports.. you name it. I was so scared for him to leave. I started breaking down.
January came and he was on his way out. He left for Korea and we were separated. It was. 16 hour time difference and many late night phone calls. We began emailing back and forth. Things definitely become rocky and not good. We'd have yelling matches on the phone. He told me I was too emotional and needed help. During this time, I had gone a mini vacation with a coworker/friend, to the Grand Canyon. During this time, he told me he wished I'd fall into it. He told me he wanted me to die.
This was the beginning to a terrible end. This was it. The spell had been broken and I felt like he couldn't hurt me anymore. No more late night fights or phone calls telling me what a horrible person I was and what a psycho I was and needed help. Ugh! I'd had it. We had broken up, he called it.
A few weeks went by and we were talking, kind of.. and then he went off on me about how needy I was and, yes, once again, how psycho and crazy I was. I was upset, blown away. So, in my mind, I was nothing. I wasn't needed or wanted and I took a handful of pills and waited to fall asleep. I told my goodbyes to the world and that's when cops were called to do a welfare check on me.
I decided it was time to go back to UNI. I didn't want to, but it was a necessary evil. The second welfare check led the cops coming into my home to check on me. That's when(both of my parents were here) I told them about the abuse. I purged and it felt like I was vomiting secrets for hours. The officer took my statement and gave me info on how to report him.
Yes! FREEEEEEDOM!! My chains were broken. I was exhausted!! Where do I begin?! Ah!!! I began therapy once a week for two months. I FINALLY started to open up about EVERYTHING!! My therapist was in awe at how much I kept buried deep inside.
I was a victim of domestic violence. I was beaten with words and it turned physical one time. It was THE best thing I have ever done for myself. I finally broke this awful cycle of verbal and emotional abuse.
The weeks to come were blurry. The time spent with him was blurry.
Here I am, four months later and I'm standing tall, proud and fearless!
Thank you, God, for sending me your angels. Thank you for making sure I woke up. We both know I almost didn't. Thank you for the friendships I've made and have kept. I'm just so thankful fucker everything! I am here to speak up and out about abuse and mental disorders.
It's been two years since I last posted anything. What the f*** am I doing with my life?! Ha ha ha ha!! A question easily asked by many, I'm sure. Well, let's rewind to October 2015.
I let him move in with me. This person whom I've built up in my mind to be so awesome and wonderful! He treated me like... well.. he treated me great, at first. My best friend. That's who he was. We shared stories of people we dated and lived cohesively. We had many nights of fun and laughter. All brought to you by alcohol. Oh dear alcohol. How I loved thee. Sigh. Fun. That's what it was, fun. He brought laughter and silliness into my life. I trusted him, telling him all my secrets and letting all of my walls down. That's when it started. Comments about my weight, my eating habits, my friends, my family (especially my mom), telling me how to raise my son and the list goes on and on.
December 7, 2015. I checked myself into UNI (University Neuropsychiatric Institute), the mental hospital. I wanted to take me life. I didn't have any reason to live. My self worth and love weren't existent anymore. I had finally hit rock bottom and I was finished. I had always felt like I was never good enough for him. Never skinny enough, active enough, motivated enough, etc. I wanted to die. Fall asleep and never wake up. I spent eight days in the psych ward learning about ways to deal with everyday life and stressors. It wasn't easy, at first. As the days passed, I made friends and felt somewhat normal. These people knew exactly what I was feeling. The despair and hopelessness wasn't completely in my head.. I had some traumatic life experiences that lead me to where I was. Number one, feelings of unworthiness. He didn't come and see me while I was there and I'll never forget that.
Well, time passed and regular therapy sessions were mandatory. I felt like a robot. I went, spoke about work, home and my son. I finally broke down and opened up a lot. It still wasn't everything. I was hiding behind a mask of fear. I feared losing this person in my life that I'd grown so intimate with. This man that knew more about me than any other person I knew. I was completely in love with him. I wanted nothing more than to be his everything. I tried so hard to be perfect in his eyes. I'd listen to the degrading comments and take the verbal punches.
I had stopped drinking as much as I was and started going to bed earlier on the weekends. He hated this. He wanted me to stay up all hours of the night, drinking and talking about life. It was fun in the beginning. I loved doing it. I hated how much I wasted my days away sleeping all day and feeling like shit. I was tired of doing that. I wanted to get out more. He started making promises of doing things and it was always 50/50 chance he'd follow through. More often than not, he'd bail or come up with some shit excuse.
After months of adjusting to this so-called 'new me', I started to isolate from everyone. My friends, family and work. During this period, my paternal grandparents had died. It was insanely difficult. I can honestly say that I just moved along Day to day, wandering around like a zombie. So, one night of drinking, I asked I could sleep in his bed. We had company and they were in my bed. He said it was ok. I ended my night of drinking and went and laid down on his bed. I woke up to him slapping, punching and kicking me. He said I was snoring and was 'trying' to wake me up. As I started to move off the bed, he kicked me so hard I fell on the floor against a small, plastic chest of drawers. My arm was bleeding and I was stunned. Felt like I was in a movie where they focus on that moment of impact and it's in slow motion. That was me. I remember fighting back. I was so angry and shocked!
I finally went outside and smoked at least half a pack. Our house guest has woken up and came outside to see what was going on. He was furious! He wanted to call the cops. I had friends I had texted telling them and showing them pictures of what happened. They all advised me to call the cops, too. I didn't. I let it slide. I didn't want his career to be ruined. I felt I was looking out for his best interest. The next day came, he apologized and I accepted, forgiving him. He was so apologetic.
He started treating me slightly better.. then, it happened again. No physical abuse, but he was slightly intoxicated while we were at Snowbird for Octoberfest. He said something to me as we were sitting on the grass listening to music. I don't recall what it was, but it was mean enough for me to get up and walk away from him. He decided to start laying into me. He was loud and slightly yelling. At me. I walked briskly, to get away from him. I was crying by now. He wouldn't stop.
Yelling matches went on for months and months. Always when he was drinking. The degradation continued. By this time, I was just a hollow shell of a person. I let him say whatever he wanted. It was a cycle. Things would be great, he'd drinking, get mad, tell me I was crazy(because I had a mental breakdown) and then he'd apologize. Over and over and over again...
We officially started dating in December, right before Christmas. It was so great! He was preparing to leave for South Korea. It was hard for me. I had been with this human for almost 2 years and we did everything together. We loved the same music, movies, sports.. you name it. I was so scared for him to leave. I started breaking down.
January came and he was on his way out. He left for Korea and we were separated. It was. 16 hour time difference and many late night phone calls. We began emailing back and forth. Things definitely become rocky and not good. We'd have yelling matches on the phone. He told me I was too emotional and needed help. During this time, I had gone a mini vacation with a coworker/friend, to the Grand Canyon. During this time, he told me he wished I'd fall into it. He told me he wanted me to die.
This was the beginning to a terrible end. This was it. The spell had been broken and I felt like he couldn't hurt me anymore. No more late night fights or phone calls telling me what a horrible person I was and what a psycho I was and needed help. Ugh! I'd had it. We had broken up, he called it.
A few weeks went by and we were talking, kind of.. and then he went off on me about how needy I was and, yes, once again, how psycho and crazy I was. I was upset, blown away. So, in my mind, I was nothing. I wasn't needed or wanted and I took a handful of pills and waited to fall asleep. I told my goodbyes to the world and that's when cops were called to do a welfare check on me.
I decided it was time to go back to UNI. I didn't want to, but it was a necessary evil. The second welfare check led the cops coming into my home to check on me. That's when(both of my parents were here) I told them about the abuse. I purged and it felt like I was vomiting secrets for hours. The officer took my statement and gave me info on how to report him.
Yes! FREEEEEEDOM!! My chains were broken. I was exhausted!! Where do I begin?! Ah!!! I began therapy once a week for two months. I FINALLY started to open up about EVERYTHING!! My therapist was in awe at how much I kept buried deep inside.
I was a victim of domestic violence. I was beaten with words and it turned physical one time. It was THE best thing I have ever done for myself. I finally broke this awful cycle of verbal and emotional abuse.
The weeks to come were blurry. The time spent with him was blurry.
Here I am, four months later and I'm standing tall, proud and fearless!
Thank you, God, for sending me your angels. Thank you for making sure I woke up. We both know I almost didn't. Thank you for the friendships I've made and have kept. I'm just so thankful fucker everything! I am here to speak up and out about abuse and mental disorders.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
My Not-so-little Man
The summer has come and gone. I have had Mr. Colin since June 5, 2014. Brice and I picked him up in Vegas and drove through Nevada, stopping in Portland, Oregon to visit our family. This is just the beginning of my time with this sweet boy.
We spent a few days in Portland and drove home. What a great time. Road trips are always interesting. It was the first time for Brice and Colin to meet each other. My best friend and my number one little man... they got along great! It was like having two-twelve years in the car at times.
Colin has had a very busy summer. He has been able to spend lots of time with my dad. He has gone fishing, helped mow lawns and hang out with all of his cousins he doesn't get to see very often. I have taken him to Lagoon, the amusement park. He and I did the Sky Coaster. It is a free-falling swing. You get harnessed in and they raise you up about 200 feet, then you pull the cord and drop, swinging back and forth until you slow to a stop. He had so much fun..
We have gone boating with a friend of mine. Any place with water, he is definitely happy to be there. He is my natural born fish.
I have watched this young man grow so tall, so handsome and compassionate. His heart is huge and his love for life is even greater! He loves his family more than anything and is constantly conflicted with the stress of being able to choose where he wants to live. Personally, I have accepted that he has chosen to be with his dad because he now has siblings. That is one thing I understand full-heartily. I always wanted siblings while growing up.
He will be in seventh grade and turns thirteen next month (September 19, 2015). Oh. My. Gosh! I am going to have a teenager!!! Where in the heck has the time gone!!? I have been extremely blessed with this amazing young man. There area days I feel I could be such a better mom and do things differently.
I cannot constantly beat myself up. I am doing my best; that is all once can do. I know I can change a few things in my raising him. I am thankful for that advice. Ah.
Life is so interesting.
We spent a few days in Portland and drove home. What a great time. Road trips are always interesting. It was the first time for Brice and Colin to meet each other. My best friend and my number one little man... they got along great! It was like having two-twelve years in the car at times.
Colin has had a very busy summer. He has been able to spend lots of time with my dad. He has gone fishing, helped mow lawns and hang out with all of his cousins he doesn't get to see very often. I have taken him to Lagoon, the amusement park. He and I did the Sky Coaster. It is a free-falling swing. You get harnessed in and they raise you up about 200 feet, then you pull the cord and drop, swinging back and forth until you slow to a stop. He had so much fun..
We have gone boating with a friend of mine. Any place with water, he is definitely happy to be there. He is my natural born fish.
I have watched this young man grow so tall, so handsome and compassionate. His heart is huge and his love for life is even greater! He loves his family more than anything and is constantly conflicted with the stress of being able to choose where he wants to live. Personally, I have accepted that he has chosen to be with his dad because he now has siblings. That is one thing I understand full-heartily. I always wanted siblings while growing up.
He will be in seventh grade and turns thirteen next month (September 19, 2015). Oh. My. Gosh! I am going to have a teenager!!! Where in the heck has the time gone!!? I have been extremely blessed with this amazing young man. There area days I feel I could be such a better mom and do things differently.
I cannot constantly beat myself up. I am doing my best; that is all once can do. I know I can change a few things in my raising him. I am thankful for that advice. Ah.
Life is so interesting.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Hmmm....
July 31, 2015
I could complain about all that is bothering me, but that wouldn't change or make anything better. It would just make me feel worse. "Choose your battle!" Best quote I've ever been told. The days are long, the battles are many, but, in the end, is it really going to matter tomorrow? I ask these questions every day.
I was recently told three little words, 'I love you'. I was completely caught off guard. I love this person. Yes! I love them. When those words came out of his mouth, I froze. I didn't know how to act, what to say or even take him seriously. Of course he was serious. The words that followed were even more than I can digest.
"I'm ready to put my all into something. It couldn't ever be you. You are too indecisive and we are too much alike." He preceded to go on about how I am and that he didn't want to be the reason to come between me and the man I am dating. He said he'd disappear out of my life forever if that would help.
Absolutely not! It would be so horrible. I couldn't imagine my life without this man in my life. He has been such a great friend to me. He's seen me through so many things as I've seen him through his tour in Afghanistan. I know that wasn't an easy time for him. He knows me more than most. I call him my best friend. I don't place him on a pedestal, but he's definitely a near and dear friend to me.
Things have obviously escalated.
August 11, 2015
I'm very unsure about many things. I am very sure of who I am. I am very sure of who I want in my life.
It has been exactly one month since these three little words have been said to me. This time, he said he is "in love" with me. I am flabbergasted. Yes! Yes! I love him so very much! He has become my best friend, my confidante, the one who seems to know me better than myself. He has spent the last two weekends at my house, Saturday night into Sunday night.
I have been able to kiss and cuddle with this amazing person. I love every second of it. I do, I truly do. I am so hesitant and scared. Those three words have changed the situation completely. How do I act? What do I do? This is something so new and so different. This man.... this man...he who is highly emotional, yet, he cannot express himself unless he is truly comfortable with the person he is with.
Honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Never I had imagined I could be loved by someone like him. I once thought I didn't deserve a man like him, now, that thought is gone and I know I deserve someone as great as he. I know now that I am beautiful and sexy, funny and adorable. I love me. I love the person I have become. I am my own unique greatness. Nothing could ever change that but me.
I have been hurt, I have lost, I have pulled myself up through the depths of hell and here I stand, tall, proud and beautiful.
I love hard, long and forever. I will give my all. I may be a pain in the ass, but I promise it will be worth it. I do love him! I am falling in love with him. As each day passes, he becomes a part of me I never want to let go of.. I feel like I cannot breathe when he is not near, yet, he drives me nuts! I feel like Noah and Alley in the Notebook. That is how I see our relationship. There is no label on our relationship, as of now. We are just friends. Time will tell how this will end up.
I could complain about all that is bothering me, but that wouldn't change or make anything better. It would just make me feel worse. "Choose your battle!" Best quote I've ever been told. The days are long, the battles are many, but, in the end, is it really going to matter tomorrow? I ask these questions every day.
I was recently told three little words, 'I love you'. I was completely caught off guard. I love this person. Yes! I love them. When those words came out of his mouth, I froze. I didn't know how to act, what to say or even take him seriously. Of course he was serious. The words that followed were even more than I can digest.
"I'm ready to put my all into something. It couldn't ever be you. You are too indecisive and we are too much alike." He preceded to go on about how I am and that he didn't want to be the reason to come between me and the man I am dating. He said he'd disappear out of my life forever if that would help.
Absolutely not! It would be so horrible. I couldn't imagine my life without this man in my life. He has been such a great friend to me. He's seen me through so many things as I've seen him through his tour in Afghanistan. I know that wasn't an easy time for him. He knows me more than most. I call him my best friend. I don't place him on a pedestal, but he's definitely a near and dear friend to me.
Things have obviously escalated.
August 11, 2015
I'm very unsure about many things. I am very sure of who I am. I am very sure of who I want in my life.
It has been exactly one month since these three little words have been said to me. This time, he said he is "in love" with me. I am flabbergasted. Yes! Yes! I love him so very much! He has become my best friend, my confidante, the one who seems to know me better than myself. He has spent the last two weekends at my house, Saturday night into Sunday night.
I have been able to kiss and cuddle with this amazing person. I love every second of it. I do, I truly do. I am so hesitant and scared. Those three words have changed the situation completely. How do I act? What do I do? This is something so new and so different. This man.... this man...he who is highly emotional, yet, he cannot express himself unless he is truly comfortable with the person he is with.
Honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Never I had imagined I could be loved by someone like him. I once thought I didn't deserve a man like him, now, that thought is gone and I know I deserve someone as great as he. I know now that I am beautiful and sexy, funny and adorable. I love me. I love the person I have become. I am my own unique greatness. Nothing could ever change that but me.
I have been hurt, I have lost, I have pulled myself up through the depths of hell and here I stand, tall, proud and beautiful.
I love hard, long and forever. I will give my all. I may be a pain in the ass, but I promise it will be worth it. I do love him! I am falling in love with him. As each day passes, he becomes a part of me I never want to let go of.. I feel like I cannot breathe when he is not near, yet, he drives me nuts! I feel like Noah and Alley in the Notebook. That is how I see our relationship. There is no label on our relationship, as of now. We are just friends. Time will tell how this will end up.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Catching up.
It's been over five years and I'm finally getting back into writing. I almost forgot I had created this blog. So many things happened over five years! My son is now twelve, soon to be thirteen. I remarried and divorced. I've learned a lot, felt a lot and most importantly, lived a lot. There are so many things to begin to talk about... I will come back and go into more detail, especially when it comes to my son. I could write about him non-stop.
Where do I begin? I was dating a great man, Kody(almost two years). Things just weren't in the cards and we went our separate ways. I met Weston. He became my best friend. We dated for two years and married. I thought he was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. The chain of events that led to the dissolution of our marriage was not in any means a ride I ever want to take again. We were both at fault. I was the enabler and it disabled him completely to the point of no return. The heartache still lingers, but I feel it has made me a stronger person today.
Colin! My sweet baby boy. He's far from being a baby; I absolutely love the young man he's growing into. Colin is two months shy of being thirteen. I am still in awe! He is not supposed to grow so fast! It is just another reminder that life passes in the blink of an eye. I moved back to northern Utah the summer of 2013. It was the best move I have ever made, except that I did not bring the one person nearest and dearest to me, Colin. He decided to live with his father in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was one the hardest things I had ever gone through. I felt rejected and unloved; my only child had chosen his father over me. It was not an easy time, not mention the hell I had gone through with Weston. I held my own and stayed strong. At times, I was not sure I was going to ever get through the slump I was in. Not only had I brought myself down, but I was bringing those around me down, as well.
How do you begin to describe depression? There aren't any words to really get the complete grasp of how dark life is. In my own words, being depressed feels like I am stuck in the middle of a lake with cement stuck to my feet. It's a constant feeling of being dragged down, water always going over my head and not being able to pull myself up.
Ok. I am going to speed things up to now, July 16, 2015. This year has been a personal journey of accomplishments and overcoming fear. I ran my first obstacle course race. Spartan Super. It was 8.5 miles long with 25 obstacles. I trained for almost four months. By training, I mean I spent less time in the gym, more time pumping myself up to do this race and changed my diet. Ha ha ha! No, honestly, I didn't spend much time in the gym. I did, however, push myself to run more than I ever have (I hate running). I cut soda out of my diet, ate even better than I already had been and mentally prepared myself for what was to come. June 27, 2015, I completed the race!! It was the best high I could have ever gotten! The feeling that I overcame what was told to me I couldn't or wouldn't be able to do, PRICELESS! I have met some incredible people in my life.
There is one person who has been an absolute angel in my life. I have never met a person that is so uplifting, inspiring and genuine, in my life. He is far from perfect, but he's a perfect friend. Perfection. Hmm.. I am not holding him on a pedestal, just stating that as a friend, he is both a pain in the ass and most definitely a sweetheart. He has been brutally truthful and I cannot express my appreciation enough. He is my best friend. Friend, nothing sexual about it. Just friends, yes, it IS possible. I am going to stop here for now..
Where do I begin? I was dating a great man, Kody(almost two years). Things just weren't in the cards and we went our separate ways. I met Weston. He became my best friend. We dated for two years and married. I thought he was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. The chain of events that led to the dissolution of our marriage was not in any means a ride I ever want to take again. We were both at fault. I was the enabler and it disabled him completely to the point of no return. The heartache still lingers, but I feel it has made me a stronger person today.
Colin! My sweet baby boy. He's far from being a baby; I absolutely love the young man he's growing into. Colin is two months shy of being thirteen. I am still in awe! He is not supposed to grow so fast! It is just another reminder that life passes in the blink of an eye. I moved back to northern Utah the summer of 2013. It was the best move I have ever made, except that I did not bring the one person nearest and dearest to me, Colin. He decided to live with his father in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was one the hardest things I had ever gone through. I felt rejected and unloved; my only child had chosen his father over me. It was not an easy time, not mention the hell I had gone through with Weston. I held my own and stayed strong. At times, I was not sure I was going to ever get through the slump I was in. Not only had I brought myself down, but I was bringing those around me down, as well.
How do you begin to describe depression? There aren't any words to really get the complete grasp of how dark life is. In my own words, being depressed feels like I am stuck in the middle of a lake with cement stuck to my feet. It's a constant feeling of being dragged down, water always going over my head and not being able to pull myself up.
Ok. I am going to speed things up to now, July 16, 2015. This year has been a personal journey of accomplishments and overcoming fear. I ran my first obstacle course race. Spartan Super. It was 8.5 miles long with 25 obstacles. I trained for almost four months. By training, I mean I spent less time in the gym, more time pumping myself up to do this race and changed my diet. Ha ha ha! No, honestly, I didn't spend much time in the gym. I did, however, push myself to run more than I ever have (I hate running). I cut soda out of my diet, ate even better than I already had been and mentally prepared myself for what was to come. June 27, 2015, I completed the race!! It was the best high I could have ever gotten! The feeling that I overcame what was told to me I couldn't or wouldn't be able to do, PRICELESS! I have met some incredible people in my life.
There is one person who has been an absolute angel in my life. I have never met a person that is so uplifting, inspiring and genuine, in my life. He is far from perfect, but he's a perfect friend. Perfection. Hmm.. I am not holding him on a pedestal, just stating that as a friend, he is both a pain in the ass and most definitely a sweetheart. He has been brutally truthful and I cannot express my appreciation enough. He is my best friend. Friend, nothing sexual about it. Just friends, yes, it IS possible. I am going to stop here for now..
Saturday, March 20, 2010
NuMb...
February 28th, 2010, Kody moved out. I have been living the single-mom life for a few weeks now, and I do have to say, it is nice. I miss not having him there, but there are many things I don't miss. I love that I am able to spend more one on one time with my lil' man. That makes me happy.
I feel I should have some emotion toward something, anything, but I don't. I can't feel what it is like to love, to show sympathy, to say I miss you... I don't have it in me. I have not cried in months and I actually WANT too! I'd feel soo much better. The only emotion I can actually feel is the love I have for my son and for the good Lord above.
I guess I am not ready to cry or break down. Maybe, this is just how it is supposed to be. I am happy. Happier than I've been in quite a while! I have great friends and family that are always there to support me. I don't want to be in a relationship as of now, although, something may come in the future. Being good friends and enjoying each other's company is good enough for me. Nothing else matters. Well, it does, but as for a steady relationship, nothing else matters.
:::Sigh::: Life is GOOD!! I am happy where I am at!
I feel I should have some emotion toward something, anything, but I don't. I can't feel what it is like to love, to show sympathy, to say I miss you... I don't have it in me. I have not cried in months and I actually WANT too! I'd feel soo much better. The only emotion I can actually feel is the love I have for my son and for the good Lord above.
I guess I am not ready to cry or break down. Maybe, this is just how it is supposed to be. I am happy. Happier than I've been in quite a while! I have great friends and family that are always there to support me. I don't want to be in a relationship as of now, although, something may come in the future. Being good friends and enjoying each other's company is good enough for me. Nothing else matters. Well, it does, but as for a steady relationship, nothing else matters.
:::Sigh::: Life is GOOD!! I am happy where I am at!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
You spin me right 'round, Baby right round!!
The past five months have been quite interesting, I spend a LOT of time with my new found "friend", Weston. He's been an intriguing addition to my life. He may be 6 years younger than myself, but he seems to, well, he is quite a gentleman. Very sweet, chivalrous, very down to earth, genuine. He makes my world spin right 'round... His family is amazing! I feel as if they are my "family" 'round these parts! Lol! Wes and I are "just friends". We enjoy each other's company and going out and doing random things together, as if we were dating, but we do not want to be in a relationship right now. If, in the future, something comes of this, that would be awesome, if not, then I have a great friend I can turn to.
I know I need to focus more on myself, and my son..
I think that God places people in your life for a reason, and Wes, is one of those people. He is so great with my son and my son really likes him as well. Colin and I need a change from the person who has been in our lives for the past 2 years. I just feel we deserve better. When it all comes down to it, no one comes before my son and will ever come between my son and I! I make that clear!
I know I need to focus more on myself, and my son..
I think that God places people in your life for a reason, and Wes, is one of those people. He is so great with my son and my son really likes him as well. Colin and I need a change from the person who has been in our lives for the past 2 years. I just feel we deserve better. When it all comes down to it, no one comes before my son and will ever come between my son and I! I make that clear!
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