JIB JAB JIB JAB...BLAH BLAH

NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM. TWO YEARS HAS COME AND GONE AND IT SEEMS AS IF IT WAS MUCH HARDER THIS YEAR. AUNT TINA MADE A GOOD POINT, SHE SAID IT WAS EASIER LAST YEAR BECAUSE WE WERE SO NUMB TO THE FACT THAT HE WAS GONE. THIS YEAR, WE ARE MORE AWARE OF HOW REAL IT IS AND HE IS NOT COMING BACK. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION IN REMEMBERENCE OF HIM WITHOUT THE TEARS FALLING AND MY THROAT CLOSING UP AND I BECOME SPEECHLES.

I KNOW IT IS OK TO GRIEVE AND HIS MEMORY REMAINS ALWAYS, NEAR AND DEAR TO ME. EVERYONE WHO KNEW HIM, HAD A SPECIAL BOND WITH HIM... HE WAS LIKE MY BROTHER, WE WERE VERY CLOSE. AS WE GOT OLDER, WE BEGAN TO HANG OUT AND I GOT TO MEET SOME OF HIS FRIENDS, WHICH WERE JUST AS GOOFY AS HE WAS. I REMEMBER ALL THE TIMES OF BABYSITTING HIM AND THE CAT FIGHTS WE WOULD HAVE WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER..... IT IS JUST SO SURREAL NOW.

AS THE DIAMOND RIO SONG SAYS, "ONE MORE DAY..." THAT IS WHAT WE ALL WISHED TO HAVE, IS ONE MORE DAY. I KNOW HE IS WITH OUR HEAVENLY FATHER AND IS UP THERE WATCHING OVER US, MORE OR LESS, OUR GUARDIAN ANGEL.

HIS CHILDREN ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND SOOO VERY MUCH LIKE HIM. IT SADDENS ME TO SEE THEM GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT EVER KNOWING THEIR DADDY. THERE WILL BE A DAY, WHEN WE ARE ALL THERE WITH HIM AND SPENDING ETERNITY TOGETHER.

I MISS YOU JUSTIN QUINN MATTHEW BYRNS (HENSELER). LOL!

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ON A LIGHTER NOTE, WE ARE FINISHED MOVING AND IT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE HOME. KODY DID SO MUCH THIS WEEK TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS MOVED AND PUT INTO STORAGE. HE'S AN ANGEL. I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE. I CAN'T SEE MYSELF WITH ANYONE ELSE, AND I WOULD BE WILLING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HIM.. IF THAT DAY COMES.

I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO SAY, BUT, WELL, SINCE I AM SUCH A NIGHT OWL, I BETTER TRY TO SLEEP.

I LOVE YOU JUST- REST IN PEACE

I LOVE YOU KODY! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO AND SHOWING ME A NEW WAY OF LIFE, A BETTER WAY. A WAY OF SIMPLICITY, STRENGTH, TOUGH LOVE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. THANKS BABE!

Day 2 mmaybe 3 of packing..still have a ways to go

Oh my hell... is this madness EVER going to end? I keep thinking that once the big stuff is gone, it will be easy and all down hill from there. Shit, who am I kidding. We have family in from Cali- Kody's mom wants all of us to go out to dinner tomorrow night...

To be honest, I have not done a damn thing today, but go to work, come home, and well here I am. I will go to sleep early-I will go to sleep early... HA! Like that's ever going to happen.

It's been a really hard day. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the passing away of my closest cousin aka Tha God Brotha... it seems like it gets easier, but it really doesn't. I just keep my feelings supressed and go about my happy go lucky life.. or yeah... what it may be. God, I miss him! I miss him soooo much! What I'd give for one more conversation, one more hug, just one more day! Oh... how the tears are streaming like Niagra Falls in spring. Bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks, well, it's all worth it! I love you Justin Byrns! Until we meet again! thank you my guardian angel for watching me, guiding me! Keeping your faith in me! Thank you God for all your wonderful blessings! AMEN!

The Packing has begun...

Well, here I am unwinding for the night.. It is always nice to have a day off during the week. It's only nice if you can relax, unwind and do whatever you want. Oh! Who am I kidding? We all know that if your are a parent or work hard during the week, there is no such thing as relaxing on your day off.

If your are lucky, you will get laundry started, house some what cleaned, bills payed and by the time that is taken care of, you are well on your way to start dinner, help with homework, or give your undivided attention to your loved ones.

My day began, MUCH later than I had expected. I woke up feeling as if I had been twisted into a pretzel and could barely move, that didn't stop me. I soon stretch up, out of bed, went into the kitchen and did my daily routine of taking my coctail of vitamins and other meds that are prescribe for my sanity... I personally thank the person who invented Zoloft. You've saved the thousands of people that I may have attacked! Lol! Just kidding.. Although, if I hadn't started taking it, I probably would have had many many problems.. and just be the biggest bitch you've ever met...

So, after my daily routine, I got dressed and headed to Family Dollar, in hopes to find plastic totes to start packing our stuff away. What the heck happened to that place being inexpensive? I could've gone to Wal-mart and saved more money.. there was no time to waste, so I payed what was due and on my way was I!

Awww.. home sweet home. No time better than now to get started, I think I will start in Avery's room, she has the least amount of stuff in her room. Sure enough, twenty minutes later, I was ready to move on to Colin's room. Oh, the dreaded feeling!

I knew it was going to be an ALL day job. That dreaded feeling still had not gone away. Onward I went... dun...dun...dun...

Where do I even begin, but I just chose a spot and started. I cannot believe ALL the crap and toys my child has! Well, here goes... I dove into the unknown, and the unknown it was! He saves every wrapper, paper, pen, pencil, toy, stuffed animal, and even clothes he has grown out of long ago!(and he still wears them).. well, three garbage bags full of toys that haven't been played for quite some time, candy wrappers, clothing and shoes, I was finally making a slight dent in his room. I packed three totes, one box and all that is left is his bed and a few larger items. :::sigh::::: Relieved somewhat, but I knew I was NO where close to being finished!

I headed downstairs, looked around and felt so discouraged... felt so, unacommplished. I began pulling pictures of the wall, clearing out the entertainment center, storing these belongings in bags and boxes. As these things are scattered all over the living room floor, I moved into the kitchen and unbenounced, unmotivated, was I, I kept on keepin' on. Cleared out the China hutch, and started in the small dungon that I call my room.

My hell, when is this madness going to end! I am one person doing a two person job...or at least it feels that way. I gathered what clothing I could and packed it into large garbage sacks.

Now, after all this, I still feel unaccomplished. All this hard work, the sweating, overheating and a spasming lower back... I decided I would call it a day.

Who ever said packing is easy, well they are smoking crack.... I was ready to pull out whatever alcohol we have and kill the bottle...but I didn't, my luck I'd just end up feeling even crappier. I ended up on the bed with the heating pad on my back, awww.. now that was nice. I don't think I have moved much since then.

Just as I was feeling as if I hadn't gotten enough done, My sweet babe came home from work, and said that I had gotten more done than he expected. Awww.... he sure made me feel sooo much better than I was feeling! Thanks babe!

Now what? I suppose bed is the next step. I am exhausted!

How many ways can I think of to get out of packing?

I am siting here playing on my new laptop and all I can think of'

is what a pain it is to move. UGGG! I am only moving a few blocks away...

but it seems like a thousand miles!

Why can't my life be like the movies and have someone do it for me, better yet, let's have a huge party where all the girls drink wine, box everything up and then we are finished in a matter of a few hours, with lots of laughs and reminiscing of the "old times"! Ha, funny how reality kicks in.

My hopes are to have this place packed and cleaned by then end of this week! I am hoping to get many things done tomorrow and have everything ready to just be moved to our new lil' spot we are transferring our belongings too.

I keep telling myself this is going to be easy, no problem! I've barely started unpacking from August. How many cigarrettes must I have or cups of coffee before I am convinced that this is going to be easier than it was the last time.

Let's just face it, moving just SUCKS! I'd much rather listen to music I've heard over and over and spend countless hours surfing the internet looking for anything that catches my eye. Ahhh.. or I could always finish Breaking Dawn, and find out if Bella ends up a vampire with Edward forever, does the vampire baby kill her? What about Jacob? Oh, so many questions! So many better things to do with my time other than packing!

I tried snapping my fingers, wiggling my nose and searching for that magic lamp with the Genie, that I've been saving for certain instances such as now. Such is my luck, I must have sold the lamp, and my magical powers just are not in use! Dang it!

It just seems as if I am going have to "man up" and get 'er done! If I get my way, I will be alone for at least three or four hours and I will be able to accomplish something. As I look around, I tell myself, "oh, there's not that much! This should be fairly easy!" We will soon see. I just have to keep telling myself that if I didn't use it before, I won't use it now! Same goes for the kids' rooms, if they don't play with it now, they won't know that it's gone..... Well, except my son, MR. OCD! He's such a crack up. He is sooo meticulous about his belongings. He has everything set just so. He knows if a sock under a pile of laundry has been moved or if a diecast car is out of place.

I have given up on cleaning his room. He comes behind me and "ranges" everything to his liking. All pictures or anything that can be hanged on the wall is at his eye level. He is just so silly. Avery on the other hand, it stays where it lands. She doesn't care.

It is so funny to watch their differences... it cracks me up. I love both of them so very much! They each brighten up my life in their own ways. I love being able to have a little girl around, but Colin, will ALWAYS be mama's baby!

I really don't think either knows that when we get them next, we will be in our new place. It will be much smaller, but it's cozy and not so big. We don't need big! Especially when Kody goes from the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom or whatever order he may have that day. :::giggle:::: He has cleared the garage out!

Oh hell... here I am rambling on and on and on.. I may as well start a book. Ha Ha ha!! It would definitely be an interesting one... "My life, where did I go wrong?: an autobiography" By Stephanie Iverson.

It could be be a hit! All my anonymous stories of the pharmacy, my marriage, my relationships, my childhood, my everything... Wow.. that could be interesting... Here I go rambling, when I could have had both of the kids' rooms finished by now. I guess I better rest up! Big day tomorrow! Oh can you tell how excited I am??!!

April 5, 2008

ON APRIL 5TH, 2008, I MET THE MAN I AM WITH TO THIS DAY. I WAS A BRIDESMAID AT HIS BROTHER'S WEDDING, AND HE WAS A GROOMSMAN. LUCK SO HAPPENED THAT WE WALKED DOWN THE AISLE TOGETHER. AT THIS TIME, I HAD NO INTENTIONS, WHAT SO EVER, TO EVEN TALK, LET ALONE THINK ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP.

KODY ENGAGED IN ALL CONVERSATION THAT HAD TAKEN PLACE AND I BEGAN TO OPEN UP. I SOON HAD TO LEAVE THE RECEPTION AND HE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER, IN A ROUND ABOUT WAY. I REALLY DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD CALL. TWO DAYS LATER, I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL AND HE ASKED ME OUT.

FROM THAT POINT ON, HE HAD ASKED OUT BEING IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. I TOLD HIM THAT I CANNOT LIMIT MYSELF TO SAY YES OR NO, IF IT WORKS OUT, GREAT, IF NOT, WE HAD FUN ALONG THE WAY.

HERE WE ARE ALMOST A YEAR INTO THE RELATIONSHIP, WE MOVED IN WITH EACH OTHER AFTER FOUR MONTHS OF DATING AND HAVE ONLY BEEN AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FOR A MATTER OF 2 OR 3 DAYS AT A TIME.

I FEEL AS IF I HAVE FOUND MY OTHER HALF THAT BALANCES ME OUT COMPLETELY. HE'S SHOWN ME A WORLD OF SIMPLICITY AND LOVE. AN EXPERIENCE LIKE NO OTHER. WE ARE OPPOSITES, BUT IT IS LIKE AND OLD SHOE, IT FITS JUST RIGHT.

BOTH OF OUR CHILDREN GET ALONG GREAT AND AS ALWAYS, EVERY WEEKEND IS AN ADVENTURE. I HAVE SPENT MORE TIME OUTDOORS, THAN I EVER HAVE. I FEEL SO ALIVE WHEN I AM WITH HIM. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, EVERYTHING SEEMS RIGHT.

I FEEL YOUNGER, HAPPIER AND SO COMPLETE.

I ADORE HIS FAMILY AS DOES MY FAMILY TO HIM.

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO SET LIMITATIONS ON WHAT CAN OR CAN'T HAPPEN. TOO SHORT TO FEAR THE UNKNOWN AND TOO SHORT TO NOT TAKE THAT JUMP.

I THANK GOD EVERYDAY FOR BRINGING THIS MAN INTO MY LIFE!

2008? WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?

WHERE DO I BEGIN? COLIN IS NOW 6 YEARS OLD, HAS LOST 2 BABY TEETH AND HAS HIS ADULT ONES COMING IN. I DECIDED IT WOULD BE A GREAT YEAR TO GET PNEUMONIA (OH GOSH THAT WAS MISERABLE), SHORT AFTER THAT I DECIDED IT WOULD BE FUN TO HAVE THE 4-WHEELER TIP OVER ON ME AND FRACTURE MY SPINE AND BRUISE A FEW RIBS.. DAMN, I AM SO MUCH LIKE MY MOTHER, IT'S SCARY! I CANNOT DO ANYTHING WITHOUT BAD LUCK.LOL!!!

2008! IT DEFINITELY WAS A TIME TO FIND ME.(I AM STILL SEARCHING, SO BE ON THE LOOKOUT!) IN ALL HONESTY, IT HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE!!

I FINALLY GOT TO ENJOY THE OUTDOORS OF SOUTHERN UTAH, MORE IN10 MONTHS THAN THE WHOLE SIX YEARS I HAVE LIVED HERE! AMAZING, I MUST SAY!

MY LITTLE MAN ACTUALLY GOT TO ENJOY THE OUTDOORS AS ANY 6 YEAR OLD SHOULD. RIDIN', HIKIN',CAMPIN'...IT HAS BEEN SUCH A JOY.

SEEING LIFE THROUGH ANOTHER'S EYES CAN MAKE YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU CAN ACTUALLY LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF.

MY 2008 WAS DEFINITELY GREAT!!