My Not-so-little Man

The summer has come and gone.  I have had Mr. Colin since June 5, 2014.  Brice and I picked him up in Vegas and drove through Nevada, stopping in Portland, Oregon to visit our family.  This is just the beginning of my time with this sweet boy. 

We spent a few days in Portland and drove home.  What a great time.  Road trips are always interesting.  It was the first time for Brice and Colin to meet each other.  My best friend and my number one little man... they got along great!  It was like having two-twelve years in the car at times. 

Colin has had a very busy summer.  He has been able to spend lots of time with my dad.  He has gone fishing, helped mow lawns and hang out with all of his cousins he doesn't get to see very often.  I have taken him to Lagoon, the amusement park.  He and I did the Sky Coaster.  It is a free-falling swing.  You get harnessed in and they raise you up about 200 feet, then you pull the cord and drop, swinging back and forth until you slow to a stop.  He had so much fun..

We have gone boating with a friend of mine.  Any place with water, he is definitely happy to be there.  He is my natural born fish. 

I have watched this young man grow so tall, so handsome and compassionate.  His heart is huge and his love for life is even greater!  He loves his family more than anything and is constantly conflicted with the stress of being able to choose where he wants to live.  Personally,  I have accepted that he has chosen to be with his dad because he now has siblings.  That is one thing I understand full-heartily.  I always wanted siblings while growing up. 

He will be in seventh grade and turns thirteen next month (September 19, 2015).  Oh. My. Gosh!  I am going to have a teenager!!!  Where in the heck has the time gone!!?  I have been extremely blessed with this amazing young man.  There area days I feel I could be such a better mom and do things differently.

I cannot constantly beat myself up.  I am doing my best; that is all once can do.  I know I can change a few things in my raising him.  I am thankful for that advice.  Ah. 

Life is so interesting. 

Hmmm....

July 31, 2015

I could complain about all that is bothering me, but that wouldn't change or make anything better.  It would just make me feel worse.  "Choose your battle!" Best quote I've ever been told. The days are long, the battles are many, but, in the end, is it really going to matter tomorrow?  I ask these questions every day.

I was recently  told three little words, 'I love you'.  I was completely caught off guard.  I love this person.  Yes!  I love them.  When those words came out of his mouth, I froze.  I didn't know how to act, what to say or even take him seriously.  Of course he was serious.  The words that followed were even more than I can digest.

"I'm ready to put my all into something.  It couldn't ever be you.  You are too indecisive and we are too much alike." He preceded to go on about how I am and that he didn't want to be the reason to come between me and the man I am dating.  He said he'd disappear out of my life forever if that would help.

Absolutely not!  It would be so horrible.  I couldn't imagine my life without this man in my life.  He has been such a great friend to me. He's seen me through so many things as I've seen him through his tour in Afghanistan.  I know that wasn't an easy time for him. He knows me more than most. I call him my best friend.  I don't place him on a pedestal, but he's definitely a near and dear friend to me.

Things have obviously escalated.

August 11, 2015

I'm very unsure about many things. I am very sure of who I am. I am very sure of who I want in my life. 

It has been exactly one month since these three little words have been said to me.  This time, he said he is "in love" with me.  I am flabbergasted.  Yes! Yes!  I love him so very much!  He has become my best friend, my confidante, the one who seems to know me better than myself.  He has spent the last two weekends at my house, Saturday night into Sunday night. 

I have been able to kiss and cuddle with this amazing person. I love every second of it.  I do, I truly do.  I am so hesitant and scared.  Those three words  have changed the situation completely.  How do I act? What do I do? This is something so new and so different.  This man.... this man...he who is highly emotional, yet, he cannot express himself unless he is truly comfortable with the person he is with. 

Honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  Never I had imagined I could be loved by someone like him.  I once thought I didn't deserve a man like him, now, that thought is gone and I know I deserve someone as great as he.  I know now that I am beautiful and sexy, funny and adorable.  I love me.  I love the person I have become.  I am my own unique greatness.  Nothing could ever change that but me. 

I have been hurt, I have lost, I have pulled myself up through the depths of hell and here I stand, tall, proud and beautiful. 

I love hard, long and forever.  I will give my all.  I may be a pain in the ass, but I promise it will be worth it.  I do love him!  I am falling in love with him.  As each day passes, he becomes a part of me I never want to let go of..  I feel like I cannot breathe when he is not near, yet, he drives me nuts!  I feel like Noah and Alley in the Notebook.  That is how I see our relationship.  There is no label on our relationship, as of now.  We are just friends.  Time will tell how this will end up.

Catching up.

It's been over five years and I'm finally getting back into writing. I almost forgot I had created this blog. So many things happened over five years! My son is now twelve, soon to be thirteen. I remarried and divorced. I've learned a lot, felt a lot and most importantly, lived a lot. There are so many things to begin to talk about... I will come back and go into more detail, especially when it comes to my son. I could write about him non-stop.

Where do I begin? I was dating a great man, Kody(almost two years). Things just weren't in the cards and we went our separate ways. I met Weston. He became my best friend. We dated for two years and married. I thought he was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. The chain of events that led to the dissolution of our marriage was not in any means a ride I ever want to take again. We were both at fault. I was the enabler and it disabled him completely to the point of no return. The heartache still lingers, but I feel it has made me a stronger person today.

Colin! My sweet baby boy. He's far from being a baby; I absolutely love the young man he's growing into. Colin is two months shy of being thirteen. I am still in awe! He is not supposed to grow so fast! It is just another reminder that life passes in the blink of an eye. I moved back to northern Utah the summer of 2013. It was the best move I have ever made, except that I did not bring the one person nearest and dearest to me, Colin. He decided to live with his father in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was one the hardest things I had ever gone through. I felt rejected and unloved; my only child had chosen his father over me. It was not an easy time, not mention the hell I had gone through with Weston. I held my own and stayed strong. At times, I was not sure I was going to ever get through the slump I was in. Not only had I brought myself down, but I was bringing those around me down, as well.

How do you begin to describe depression? There aren't any words to really get the complete grasp of how dark life is. In my own words, being depressed feels like I am stuck in the middle of a lake with cement stuck to my feet. It's a constant feeling of being dragged down, water always going over my head and not being able to pull myself up.

Ok. I am going to speed things up to now, July 16, 2015. This year has been a personal journey of accomplishments and overcoming fear. I ran my first obstacle course race. Spartan Super. It was 8.5 miles long with 25 obstacles. I trained for almost four months. By training, I mean I spent less time in the gym, more time pumping myself up to do this race and changed my diet. Ha ha ha! No, honestly, I didn't spend much time in the gym. I did, however, push myself to run more than I ever have (I hate running). I cut soda out of my diet, ate even better than I already had been and mentally prepared myself for what was to come. June 27, 2015, I completed the race!! It was the best high I could have ever gotten! The feeling that I overcame what was told to me I couldn't or wouldn't be able to do, PRICELESS! I have met some incredible people in my life.

There is one person who has been an absolute angel in my life. I have never met a person that is so uplifting, inspiring and genuine, in my life. He is far from perfect, but he's a perfect friend. Perfection. Hmm.. I am not holding him on a pedestal, just stating that as a friend, he is both a pain in the ass and most definitely a sweetheart. He has been brutally truthful and I cannot express my appreciation enough. He is my best friend. Friend, nothing sexual about it. Just friends, yes, it IS possible. I am going to stop here for now..